The comic book guy from the Simpsons can seriously sum up this movie with his infamous quote: ‘Worst movie EVER!’ This is a perfect example of why Hollywood can’t bitch about not generating as much money as they should be, because of the shit that they are producing and expect us to watch.

Now a little bit of a history lesson needed to better understand this movie. House of the dead is based off of a video game, where you constantly shoot a screen and reload as quickly as you can shoot off the screen. The same logic can be applied to this movie. Except for the fact that guns never run out of ammo. And in this game the object is the save the day by killing all the zombies. I never had enough quarters to find out if there was actually a plot or not, but it seems that there wasn’t really one at all. They need to make a movie about Pong, because Pong probably has a better story then this game. Now you may be thinking to yourself: ‘Now what plot was there in pong?’ And this is my answer, imagine the big block as a super nuclear warhead, and the paddles as deflector fields, and whoever fails to deflect the bomb faces its evil wraith of terrible nuclear destruction. And bingo, you have control of the new country. Although the radiation and total destruction may have effects for a long time, at least you have the bragging rights, right?! Not to mention that you can now say that your countries penis is incredibly bigger then the others. There have been other videogames where you shoot the screen with lots of unlimited ammo and crap, and they have made great movies. Good examples of this are Predator and Commando! They each had THE MAN! Note: Don’t get confused with that jerk called the boss who is too proud to be an American, or Tony Danza, because we all know that he was the boss. But the man who wants to run for president, ARNOLD (Once again, not going to try to spell his last name)!!!! However, I need to get back to zombies.

So the movie begins and they introduce all the characters, blah blah blah, given to us by a narrator. Then the group gets to show off their incredible acting skills by all either sounding incredibly annoying like seriously ear bleeding high pitched cheerleader voice (there is a serious thing called overacting), or monotone voices with no expression what-so-ever. From here it clips to new people who we have never seen before and BAM! It hits you the first instance of gratuitous nudity. Soon after the boobs are out, she and her boyfriend die, and we never see them again. Then the second instance of boobs occurs, the cheerleader bitch’s boyfriend gets seasick (because they missed a boat to a rave and they ran into a couple of fisherman who they are paying them to take them to this island(sorry I didn’t think the plot was important enough to share with you, I was much more interested in seeing boobs)) and pukes all over her, and she then is washing her shirt as one of the fishermen come in and warn her about the island, and totally oblivious to her nudity. They finally arrive on the island and here’s where the director gets intelligent, he related to all the people in the movie theatre by making the characters even more stupid then they already were, and after seeing no one, or nothing, when they were supposed to be at a rave. Now come on!! What kind of retard wouldn’t even think of a simple statement that ‘Hey… this is weird… Where is everyone…’ NO! They just start to drink some beer, I guess the director didn’t want to make them any stupider by taking extacy, in which case they would just be dehydrating and sucking on pacifiers, while sweating. These people are so stupid they don’t even know the right thing to do at raves! Now how are we susposed to relate to people who don’t take X at a rave? EVERYONE DOES IT! Dehydration is awesome I swear. (KILL YOURSELF) That’s another story. But after five minuets some girl finally asks if it was weird that no one else was there. Finally someone with a little bit of brain power THANK YOU GOD! Of course the group splits up into 2 groups, 1 to have sex, and the second to find the rest of the people.

Then they find some more people and you get to experience even more terrible acting, the type that makes you want to go out on a killing rampage and blame it on psychological problems you have acquired because of how stupid these people who are trying to act actually are. Then lots of zombies start to come out of no where, and this smuggler fisherman guy unveils that he has an arsenal bigger then the whole united states army has, in 1 little box. He has a grenade launcher, M16s, desert eagles, shotguns, and various other pistols and sharp objects. Now they go out and try and ‘kick some zombie butt!’ How hardcore is that?! Anyway, they go out and start shooting up zombies left and right. Now is one of the best/annoying parts of the whole movie. Every time someone shoots a gun it switches into matrix mode! Now mind you that they aren’t doing cool kung fu moves, they are just shooting a gun, like right after they shoot, so it just spins around the person with a gun in hand with smoke after it. It doesn’t follow the bullet (only once it does see below) or show it hit or something. It only spins around the person after they shoot. It is so fucking lame. The only cool part was when matrix mode actually followed a shotgun shot and it showed the bullet all split up and everything. Also they apparently forgot which person had what gun, as the shotgun was in the hands of like 3 different people.

Now these zombies weren’t just your everyday zombies though, they were super zombies! They could swim, run, practically fly, and they carried weapons. Now I thought zombies were mindless drones driven back to life only to dine on the brains of the living. Nope! Not these guys! They were just concerned with killing. Piss poor representation of zombies in general.

Now the lamest part of this whole movie was the random scenes when they would flash parts of the videogame in it. Just to show that the game and movie are indeed connected, when in fact they aren’t at all. They just contain zombies that like to kill with weapons. That’s not enough of a connection to me.

Obviously the movie industry thinks that gamers are total morons, or else this movie would of never of made it to an actual mainstream movie. As a gamer myself I find it revolting and an insult to my intelligence. The makers of this movie need to be put in the electric chair and publicly executed.

All in all probably the worst movie I have ever seen. It’s so bad that it makes my head hurt thinking about it. I’ve seen bad movies before, and they are great because of how bad they are. The badness works for it. In this movie the absolute horridness is so extreme it goes from bad to funny, then all the way to terrible! Seriously this will make you want to kill yourself!
Almost forgot my score 2 out of infinity, it would have gotten a zero, but it almost drove me to suicide, so to get that reaction out of me, it deserves at least something.

Questions? Comments? Hate mail? Send them to JaCKHaMMeR JeSuS just make sure to include my name in the subject.