Disclaimer: The movie "The Passion of Christ" is WAY to good of material to not use until it has been beaten into the ground much like one would beat a dead horse, or perhaps a step-child.
I was pondering many things the other day during my now often routine of apathy for the human condition on this planet and open seething hatred for the race which occupies it. One of those things was to do with the now infamous movie 'The Passion of Christ', here-in refered to as 'Porn title waiting to happen' or PtwtH, pronounced pit'twith. WHile Ptwth has touched more people in a special way than a catholic preist, I have to think that they really need to get on the old, now common, marketing routine of complete merchandising and the obligatory sequel.
As far as sequels go, the first thing is to make sure that you include the most generic storyline with hottest young(or older plastic surgery fiends) actors of the Hollywood moment. So what is a nice stock storyline that audiences could attach to the character while not lossing out on all the possible corporate ads that are just waiting to be included. Now, and bear with me cause I know you will all be hyped after this, but think about the normal progression of sequels. They tend to go: Opening Drama, Second Movie: Add some chessy plotline, hot actors, Third Movie: Total Crap, Fourth Movie+ : Painful to veiw for more than 30 second intervels.
So, without further ado, I proudly present 'The Anger of Christ: The Passion of Christ 2!!'. Starring such great actors of our time as Britney Spears as Mary Magnum Force, and Jessie Ventura as the Christ. Now, I know, I know, the Christ Died and was reborne...blah blah blah. Yah, Buuuut, what if it was all a ruse to fool the Romans into a false sense of security and then he later came back and gave them all a big O can of woopass. Just as a slight taste of a possible maybe for a chance of makeing a sequel, check this scene out. As Transcribed by Me
Dawn- The sun is rising, the sky is blue, and the birds are chirping. Two Roman soldiers are walking towards the tomb.
Roman Soldier 1: 'Dude, wheres my christ?' <-Note the tongue in cheek reference
Roman Soldier 2: 'Dude, we are soo screwed if we lost him.'
Roman Soldier 1: 'Ok, ok, stay calm. If you were a crazy healing hippy guy that was the acknowledge son of god by millions of people in the distant future, where would you be?'
The Christ: 'Hey there assholes, I am back, and I am angry!!! <-Title reference, HEYA!!!
*Christ procedes to break one Soldiers neck with a super quick round house and then judo chops the second roman soldeirs face in.
As you can see, I have put a lot of thought into careing for this franchise in a loving way that only a mother, or a slightly gay man could. Given the fact that I am neither, I dont really give a flying fuck if people like the movie as long as they all dish out the money to go see it a few times, and they bring the whiny, undisciplined kids who wont even learn a DAM thing from the movie besides people with long hair that talk Arameich get all the hot chicks. The same whiny brats will hopefull wish to aquire some sort of toy from the movie, which they will surely forget and move on to watching MTV's Road Rules 17ty Billionth Challenge. But hey, when it comes to christ, who can go wrong with action figures. Yah, dam straight. So remember the moral lessons that Jessie the Christ, Ventura Taught us, and yah be unto thee who follows thyne divine ass kicker!!.