Ninjas haven’t always been the icons of Christian sacrifice that they are today. Some people thought they should be turtles. Others said ninjas should be American(the American Ninja series). At a nadir for ninjas everywhere, someone thought that three whiny american kids would make good ninjas(3 Ninjas). But now, ninjas are back and easily the biggest thing since Episode 1. With Shinobi, Tenchu, and Metal Gear Solid’s deceptively named Ninja, the art of ninjitsu has returned to its former glory. Now, Ryu Hayabusa, of Tecmo’s Ninja Gaiden, proves to the world that ninjas are the zenith of humanity. What follows is pure propaganda meant to make you buy this game. Watch out for subliminal messages.

If you don’t have an Xbox, buy one just to play this game. It is just that good. Building on the Devil May Cry formula(lots and lots of fighting with brain-dead puzzles), Ninja Gaiden is just utterly amazing. BUY THIS GAME. Ninja Gaiden is the pinnacle of modern action gaming. While the gameplay doesn’t bare any real resemblance to the original Ninja Gaiden trilogy, the xbox itteration proudly continues the series’s tradition of challenging gameplay, awesome boss fights, and ninjas being anything but stealthy.

Calling this game amazing just doesn’t seem right. BUY THIS GAME. Ninja Gaiden is just so much cooler than anyone can describe. Every enemy encounter is fun. As you learn more skills, you find the joy of seeking new and unusual ways to dispatch your enemies. The game engine is versatile enough that anyone can develop a style that suits them best. Counter attacking, vicious combo openers, wall-jump attacks, a barrage of shurkens, decapitation via the Daliloro; Ryu has too many moves for fighting to get stale. BUY THIS GAME. In fact, saying the combat in Ninja Gaiden has more depth than most fighting games really isn’t that far off base. Occasional camera problems when taking on enemies in large, open areas are the only real problems to speak of. Just think of it this way: if running on the walls(as in the Matrix) is cool, BUY THIS GAME, how cool is it run off of the walls, flip over enemies, perform a midair throw, then land with a finishing blow that decapitates two nearby enemies? That isn’t a rhetorical question. The answer is 128930218.

Every delay(there were at least 5) this game’s release suffered seems to have gone to good use. BUY THIS GAME. The difficulty of this game(from the placement of items and the enemy a.i.) is superb. Players weaned on grand theft auto’s invincibility codes will be cut down before reaching the first save point. Anyone expecting a button basher like Dynasty Warriors will be crying when the first boss continually checks them into the wall. Each hit counts here. Leaving yourself vulnerable to one attack means a trio of enemies could corner you(that is unless you can wall-combo your way to an escape). BUY THIS GAME IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY. Yes, this game recquies skill. While the actual moves don’t recquire the finesse or timing of say Soul Calibur 2 or Virtua Fighter 4, the real test is how you deal with a horde of enemies. Using all of your evasive moves is essential to setting up a perfect kill. Utilizing the “ultimate essense” techniques will recquire timing, preparation, and pure Jesus power. BUY THIS GAME. You might be able to play through the game with a conservative style(engage as few enemies as possible, drink elixirs like an elixaholic), but you will either get owned later, or miss out on the great bonuses(the first two ninja gaidens are unlockable).

The rest of Ninja Gaiden is kind of inconsequential. With such an amazing gameplay engine, the sound, graphics, and story don’t really matter. But somehow, all of the aforementioned kick ass too. BUY A HUMMINGBIRD.....AND THIS GAME. The minimalist drum sounds of the first level weren’t exactly inspiring, but the music picks up soon after. The rest of the game has an engaging sountrack that is just apropos for the killing/revenge spree. Despite a lack of remixes of classic tunes, the score still rocks. Every sword clash, gunshot, octopus-like-monster howl, is as realistic as any I have heard in real life. The graphics? Just plain gorgeous. The Xbox hardware shows its edge over the competition in both the in-game engine and the CG cinemas. If you think any game looks better, it’s probably running on a high-end PC. And the computer is from 2324. BUY THIS GAME IN ORDER TO GET LAID. The story is, in many way, a nice reminder of the original Ninja Gaiden. While there isn’t an Irene Lew or Jacquio to speak of, the new characters are just as ridiculous and memorable. The plot is a series of absurd events that only get really interesting towards the end, but are always amusing in an over-the-top sort of way. Vengeance, dueling with a family members, double-crossing, revenge, retaliation, treachery, ninjas operating under private administration of justice, demons, more vengeance, all the staples of NES Ninja Gaiden storytelling are here. And once again, no one ever points out unstealthy it is for a ninja to be slaughtering hundreds of people in the streets.

I could go on this game, but I won’t. I would much rather get back to playing it. This game rules. It fills the many, many, many voids in my life.

Graphics(9/10)
Sound(9/10)
Control(9/10)
Vengeance(8/10)
Gameplay(37/10)
Ninjitsu(10/10)
Overall(23/10)

This game is the most fun you can have with your hands. At least if you don’t know how to juggle. And you happen to be a eunuch. BUY IT NOW.

If you haven’t already bought this game, click here to ask me how.