Everyone knows video games are great. Everyone. Even retarded people and vegetables have been shown to have thoughts related to pong. Conservative politicians like video games because violent games.....sorry, violent MURDER SIMULATORS provide fodder for otherwise worthless politicians(NO, I’m not talking about Joe Lieberman. Lieberman’ 04!). For some of us they provide an educational experience that can only be matched by going outside and freeze tag. Here are some of the few, of at least 6, different ways that video games can teach us how to live, love, and get 1-ups.
Learning how to drive safely: A long time ago, the highways were a dangerous place. Road rage was, well, all the rage! HAHA! I’m so witty. Then in 1992, Mario Kart was released. Or should I say, mankind was forever blessed in 1992 when Mario Kart was given to the unworthy masses. All that craziness and rage stopped. Road rage was no longer, all the rage. Again, with the pithy remarks. Road side violence was thrust into the national spotlight by Nintendo’s superb driving simulator. With its astonishingly realistic physics, the game taught people the harsh consequences of violent behavior on the road. The frighteningly, real agony of spinning around and losing a baloon was burned into the minds of anyone who played the 16-bit masterpiece. For the first time in history, people realized that the road was no place for hostility. Since Mario Kart has been released, the roads have become an amazingly safe place. An 80% drop in red turtle shell based violence has been noted since the 1997 release of Mario Kart 64. In fact, no automobile accidents have happened since the 2003 release of Mario Kart Double Dash. So yes, we have Mario Kart to thank for the end of road rage. Incidentally, the peaceful roads that we owe to Mario Kart are not seen in Nigeria or Japan: two countries where video games are outlawed by penalty of death. Coincidence? Probably not. C’mon, I really wouldn’t have brought that up unless it helped prove my main argument. So NO, it is NOT a coincidence.
No mario kart=turtle shell to the face
Remember that the next time someone asks you to name one thing wrong with Nigeria’s roadways.
How to put out a fire: From the lighting of the Olympic Torches to the burning of homosexuals and witches, fire has been a part of all of mankind’s greatest triumphs. But what do we do when fire gets out of control? For years experts struggled with that very concept. Gasoline wasn’t the answer. Praying usually made it worse. Everyone had all but given up hope of ever being able to put out a fire. But 1987 brought a message of hope as well as some new innovation in the battle against fire. Squaresoft’s then un-ironically titled Final Fantasy debuted on the NES. The 8-bit RPG was a mix of repetitive button pushing and bold new physics and chemistry theories that would change the world. The proposed ice beats fire dynamic contradicted Mega Man’s fire beats ice(as established by mega man with fire shot beats ice man). The game proposed that fire-based monsters would suffer greatly from ice magic while being rejuvenated by fire magic. The ‘ice beats fire’ theory was met with much skepticism, but ultimately prevailed. From there, the modern conventions of using water(for the uninitiated, water is nothing more ice that has been blessed by a priest) to fight fires was born. So maybe instead of wearing some lame New York Fire Department paraphernalia, you should give credit to the original fire fighters: the programmers at Squaresoft.
Don’t be too quick to judge people wearing space suits: One day while perusing a bookstore, I saw David Corn’s Bush Lies and Molly Ivin’s Bushwacked: being cheated in Bush’s America. I was outraged. Since when has the president ever lied or made living in this country worse for people? It isn’t like he sent people over to fight a ridiculous war under a false cassius belli, while barely hiding his incentives for the financial gain of some of his friends. Even if he did, it isn’t like Americans soldiers are still in harm’s way while he and his friends declare victory and prepare a smear campaign that also shamelessly exploits the events of September 11th, 2001 (In case you were on mars living in a sound proof box and watching old tapes of Voltron, that was when the planes hit the towers and ‘we lost our innocence.’) And since when has George Bush ever spent ridiculously on the development of a new, more efficient nuclear weapon while the ‘No Child Left Behind’ program is being financially raped for all its worth? I was madder than a mongoose at a conbra convention. But then I realized something. I was judging this book by its cover. Video games have taught me not to judge a book by its cover. Even though some ugly chick probably said that originally, it reminded me that things aren’t always as bad as they seem on the outside. Of course those liberal trash, with their footnotes, linguistic finesse, textual references, and legitimate arguments, were all crap. Damn the terrorists I say! But at least I took the time to see what was on the inside. Why? Because, video games taught me that it’s what on the inside that counts.
Anyone who was brave enough to get all the way to the end of the original NES Metroid got a pleasant surprise. With out using any sort of codes, the game was challenging to say the least. You might have thought that protagonist Samus Aran was some sort of retard based on the way the game was setup. No matter how far away you were when you got a game over, the continue screen was always at the VERY BEGINNING OF THE GAME. Samus’s startling inability to crouch was maybe even more infuriating. Why? Just imagine playing a game where you have a gun on your arm that you can’t use because the majority of the enemies are at knee level and the character doesn’t feel like kneeling down to shoot(this is a problem until you get the wave beam). Considering the same basic muscles are involved in crouching that are used in jumping and flipping, Samus’s ‘handicap’ somehow makes perfect sense in the Nintendo universe. Maybe it wouldn’t crouch because it was a religious thing (At this point I should note that I have never seen an Orthodox Jew crouch). Whatever it was, it made the game difficult. Maybe Nintendo wanted the game to be frustratingly challenging. Or maybe they wanted us to see past Samus inherent flaws.
The diligent few who put up with Samus till the end of her battle against Mother Brain got a surprise. A SEXY surprise. An 8-bit SUPER SEXY surprise. A pixelated SUPREMELY SEXY ‘BLOW YOUR LOAD INSTANTLY’ SURPRISE. The final screen shows Samus sans armor looking ridiculously hot. Needless to say, a lot of people went through puberty instantaneously with that screen. All of a sudden the erection I had the whole time I was playing the game made perfect sense. Like many things in life, the best part of Samus was disguised from those who weren’t willing to see past her flaws (never mind that there was a password that let you play as her in a swimsuit from the beginning). Had we all given up on the mildly attractive space armor she wears, we might never have gotten to know the babe underneath. Remember this the next time someone you see someone wearing a space suit.
Not handicapped, hadiCAPABLE: The next time anyone asks you if God creates everyone equally, say, ‘I can’t answer that question. To prove the intentions and ethics of the so-called God is impossible. I can prove the existence of God just as easily as I can not. Therefore the question is stupid, so suck it bitch.” But if someone asks you if the handicapped can still save the world, respond with a resilient ‘maybe.’
Nintendo heroes have always been flawed in some ways. Megaman couldn’t duck. Somehow he still defeated Wily’s robot minions over and over again. Was Mario helpless without a fire flower or even a mushroom? Hell no. He was just as intimidating to Hammer Bros. or to Bowser at half his normal height. Maybe the best example was in Bionic Commando. Long before the movie White Men Can’t Jump was released, this Capcom title had a white hero who couldn’t jump. Defying Nintendo conventions of using the A-button to jump, Bionic Commando used a grappling hook to lower and raise himself to where he needed to be. Despite having the ability to run, duck, and even fall safely from the top of buildings, our poor hero was never able to leap even an inch of the ground. While his career in the NBA was incredibly short-lived, his lasting legacy as the 253rd man to single handedly save the world from an evil general will be with us forever. And all without being able to jump. That’s not just hardcore, it’s h@rdc0re. So the next time someone in a wheel chair asks you to hold a door open for them or stop kicking them on the ground just say, ‘If Bionic Commando can save the world without jumping, then you can too!’

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