So I'm sitting on the toilet thinking about how much I hate shitting out my intestines after I take a shower. It's a real inconvenience to completely clean yourself up and masturbate in a quality fashion and then have to shit. See if I shit like a girl and my turds resembled cat poop it would be OK. But the mind numbing, spine rattling shits I produce make little kids cry, grown women vomit and grown men envious. You can't just shit after a shower and be happy about it. See I completely cleansed my anus while milking my prostate while in the shower and then I had to shit out my colon. Or at least I think that big bloody pink thing in the bowl was my colon, it could have been a really big hot-dog but I can't remember ingesting a whole hot-dog without chewing except that one time that guy at summer camp dared me to. I showed him, not only did I get the Snickers bar he was betting, but I also conned a real cute camp counselor into giving me the heimlich and CPR. HAHAHA jokes on her when I slipped her the tongue. Plus when I coughed up the hot dog it looked like she was sucking on a cock. So anyway back to this shit, the really inconvenient thing about shitting after a shower is when my bloody hemorrhoids are hanging out my ass like a sack of marbles, its a nasty bloody mess to clean up, but I guess someone has to do it. So as I'm pushing my hemorrhoids back in and containing the blood and cleaning the mess I started thinking about some other things I hate: puppies, little kids, cripples, Arabs, and every damn place I go I see these God Damn handicapped parking spots.

You see I was at the bank earlier today and I thought to myself, because of some goddamn cripple I have to walk 6 extra feet. WHAT THE FUCK. You see as far as I know all these so called handi-capable people want to be treated the same. Well, if they want to be treated the same, that means walk your crippled ass the extra mile like a pimp or fuck off. No one cares your crippled, we are all pissed we have to go look for a parking spot a half mile away from everything, because the first 6 spots are for handicapped people, and that's everywhere you go. Not only are the people not really that tore up, as I see hopped up 4x4 pick up trucks with handicap placards in them. How handicapped can you be if you have a brand new offroad 4x4 truck with a lift kit and a gun rack in it. Explain that to me. As I am The Master even I am perplexed to see such a thing. So I did what any normal Master would do. I keyed into the side of his brand new paint a nice message. Something to the effect of how if he were really handicapped he should have some sort of conversion van with a wheel lift ramp. And on a personal note, the fucker sure didn't look handicapped when he made the attempt to chase me as he sort of caught me keying his pretty new truck. Jokes on him this time, cuz he slipped and fell and I think he broke his hip or something. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck him, I hope he gets cancer of the prick.

Anyway you people complain about how you want to be treated differently, but I fail to see a petition to remove handicapped parking spots from everywhere one could think of, I even parked in one at the gas station in my city. Tell me why a cripple would need to park close to the ice machine of a gas station. So if indeed you want to be treated the same get your crippled ass in your chair and park way the hell out in the middle of the parking lot and stop trying to use whatever ailment you have to your advantage. And I swear if I catch any of you fakers in my parking spot with a placard or a rearview mirror hanging handi-capable card or a license plate that says I'm a cripple, complete with a Melvin in a wheel chair, I will kick your ass. You don't even deserve to breath my air you birth defect having cripple. No one likes you and you take up too much space. You drive a big stupid van with a wheelchair lift that comes out the side and you drool on yourself like its cool.

This one time I was driving to a job I hated and I thought about how much my life sucked. At that very minute I got passed up by a bus full of mentally retarded kids. And several of them were licking the window. At that moment, I thought to myself, at least I am capable of driving my car to work even if it's a job I hate. So I laughed my ass off like any normal pimp would, nearly shitting my pants in the process, but it would have been worth it. And I told all my friends at work. I made sure to tell them while they were in mid sip of their morning coffee so they spit it out all over each other. It was a great time to be had by all.

So in conclusion if you want to be like everyone else get rid of your handicapped placard and park out in the parking lot and call your congressman and have handicapped parking spots removed from parking lots. That would win points in my book, but also park out in the middle or the end of the parking lot, since it's going to take you till the time the mall closes to get to the mall anyway, why not free up closer spots for people better off than you.

The Master, Has Spoken
It is written so shall it be