Are you living your life in continual fear of what destiny awaits you after your death? Tired of needlessly not shaking babies and repressing your homosexuality in order to get into heaven? Well, the people of massive tool understand your plight. But unlike you whiny bitches, we decided to do something about it. Did we find a religion that isn’t based on such ridiculous abstract concepts of rewards and punishment? Hell no. That’s un-American and not evens the least bit hardcore. We decided to start our own afterlife. With just a minor sacrifice on your part, you can be part of our BETTER afterlife too!

All you need to do is to mail us your soul in a jar or other air tight receptacle. Once we receive your soul, we put you on the list to be transported to our special afterlife. No questions asked. That’s right, no matter how many children you molest or World Trade Centers you accidentally fly into, we have a guaranteed spot for you in our afterlife. Unlike other afterlife programs, we require no good deeds and have no background checks. All we ask for is the simple donation of your soul in order to fuel our soul-powered-hovercraft.

Right now, you might be thinking, "soul-powered-hovercraft? What the fuck?" And rightfully so. The soul-powered-hovercraft is pretty fucking cool, but way too complicated to explain. So we won’t. If you managed to get past something as cool as a hovercraft that runs on "soul-ar" energy(you get it? it’s a play on solar! haha, I’m full of pithy remarks!), you might be wondering why you should give your soul to Massive Tool. Conveniently, we have all the reasons why right here! Just a little bit lower.

-Out afterlife offers all the benefits of heaven, and more! We put years of research into watching MTV cribs and creating the perfect lifestyle for residents of our afterlife. Where else are you going to find a bowling alley in a basement? Diamond covered Mercedes rims? A private house that could rightfully house a poor urban family but is instead given to a dog? Crystal in quantities so vast that it must be measured in terms of Lake Michigans? Try finding a swimming pool shaped like a giant aardvark behind the pearly gates of heaven.

-Unlike some of our competitors (per say Satan), we aren’t holding you to an eternity of misery, suffering, and continual pain in the ninth circle of hell. In our afterlife, you can watch Scar face and play Lord of the Rings monopoly to your hearts content!

-Don’t be lured away by Islamic promises of dark-haired virgins to satisfy your whims. Having been there, let us tell you that we have never seen virgins you could easily drive a train through. In Massive Tool’s afterlife, we kidnapped the finest seven or eight year’s olds (of either gender) for your pleasure. Not into little kids? As odd as it may be, we still have something for you! Harboring a dirty fantasy about a nun from middle school? Ever wonder how great a hummer Queen Elizabeth I gives? Or how about Mark Hamil? A particularly sexy relative? Janis Joplin? Benjamin Franklin? Well, we really can’t help you with that actually. But you really can’t complain. Besides, do you really think you would be going anywhere safe if you have dirty thoughts about Tony Danze(pre who’s the boss or post)?

Whatever your case may be, we have a place for you at Massive Tool’s private heaven. Don’t delay, send your soul to Massive Tool today!