A lot of people are talking about that new Jesus movie. I would make a snide remark about the movie not being as good as the book, but I really thought the bible was a load of complete and utter crap. The movie The Passion of Christ on the other hand, almost made wish I hadn’t chosen to turn away the church after being molested as an alter boy. The Passion is more than just any quick cash-in the uber popular biblical franchise. Unlike previous niche efforts like Jesus Christ Superstar, Passion appeals to more than just rock-opera-snobs and Christian-hippies (as if you can even distinguish between the two). Passion will unite Christians, people who thought Kill Bill too tame, Jewish people reliving their guilt, lazy people who fell asleep halfway through reading the events in the bible, a few ACLU lawyers, Jewish people reliving their triumph, a morbid few hoping to see something close to a snuff movie, and hundreds of thousands of men hoping to see if Mary Magdalene was indeed the piece of ass they had rubbed one out to countless times before. Yes, the Passion unites people like only the Olympics can. As for the actual events of the storyline of The Passions of Christ, I will once again refrain from making a snide remark pertaining to plot twists and surprise endings. The movie did feature a cryptic note at the end of the film. As the words “The End” appeared on the screen, a question mark soon appeared as if to indicate a possible sequel.

While other people are busy commenting on the supposed anti-Semitic overtones, I think the public should be told about how this movie channeled the voice of God. To quell the anti-Semitic notions I will simply point out the popular Jewish paranoia. The movie was directed and financed by a devout Christian. I would like to know just one occasion where Christians have either chosen to exile Jews for refusing to convert or systematically executing them in Germany during World War 2. Christians and Jews get along like ferrets and ocelots. It really is just that simple.

As for the truth and divine voice of the matter, the most important catholic around endorses the movie. The pope himself even said, "It is as it was." Who better than the pope to make such a call? The pope may not have infallibility when it comes to taste in secular movies (he actually liked Episode 1: The Phantom Menace), but the pope definitely knows Jesus. After all, who better than an arbitrary human being who lived two thousand years later to determine the historical accuracy of one of the most debated historical events? And isn’t like he would be in a state of questionable health or anything like that. I mean, he isn’t so sick and feeble that you probably could have showed him Deep Throat and he would have called it "the very work of Christ," right? RIGHT? RIGHT? Thought so. Bitch.

This movie is so astonishingly great that it gave a heathen like me, a vision. A vision! Apparently, visions are not just for the insane and people on hallucinogenic. The powerful vision this movie gave me was one of the hell. A hell that mankind will be doomed to face. I saw a land where klans men and black panthers walked on the same side of the street with out even giving each other dirty looks. The word "taint" was not even in the dictionary. In the temples they were praying to a false prophet named Yngwie Malmsteen. Micheal Moore joins the National Rifle Association during a night of binge drinking. He kills himself the next day and the Truth Campaign becomes the most obnoxious protest group in America. The bald eagle will mate with the kangaroo and thusly an alliance between Australia and America will be formed. Amidst all this chaos, U.S. President Ralph Nader will surrender the human race into slavery under the trees and plants. Amidst all this chaos, a powerful man will rise up and bring order. No, it sure as hell isn’t Jesus. First, haven’t you figured out that when shitty stuff happens, Jesus doesn’t show up? Besides, Jesus is dead and it would be pretty silly to believe in a physical impossibility like a dead man coming back to life. The man will be me. I will save all of humanity. But I will need money. Vast amounts of money. Send all the money you can to ME. I will save you if you send me money. Money. Send it to me. Send me money if you wish to be saved.

Click here to send me money or acknowledge me as an incarnation of John Ritter.