Strange things get popular these days. Apparently, being gay or bisexual is in now. That probably would have helped out a few people during the Inquisitions of Europe, but oh well. Are people who pretend to be these things sad? Of course they are. But are there people ever worse? Yes. We call them faux-racists. Being a racist in and of itself isn’t bad (anyone who hates Jamaicans has a valid reason to do so), but fake racism? Why the hell would someone want to do that? Read on and I shall explain.

Certain people, let’s just call them stupid middle class kids, have always needed some sort of identity. Some of them choose to be 'morbid' Goth kids. Others try to be 'rebellious' punks. Still others start talking about Rites of Spring and lament about the emo scene. But who the hell wants to be a fake racist? The fake racist is born when a some stupid kid in the suburbs decides that his life sucks. Maybe he’s fat and unemployed. Maybe his parents got divorced. More than likely, he is actually a closeted homosexual. For whatever combination of reasons, he needs to be TOUGH. He needs to be the biggest badass possible. He needs metal. But not lame metal like From Ashes Rise or Botch. He needs awesome music like Godsmack and Pantera. Music that gets you angry. Music that reminds you how cool it is to be angry. He needs Slipknot and Mushroom head because bands that don’t wear masks aren’t tough enough.

This is one tough mother fucker. But do you know who the biggest badass of all time is? Hitler. He didn’t like Jews and he did something about it. In reality, he didn’t like a whole lot of people. But damn was that guy a badass. He was responsible for so much death and misery. What a badass. And so, in Hitler, our faux-racist has a mentor. Our 'Hitler-lite' now incorporates the parlance of hate into his everyday life.

Examples:

‘I just brushed my teeth and man do I hate ni****.’

‘The world sucks because of those dumb Arabs.’

‘I think I will have the Whopper Combo and we should kill every Jew.’

‘God I love Slayer, but I hate damn towel heads.’

You can imagine more along these lines I’m sure. But is this person actually serious? Hell no. These statements are about as vicious as saying ‘God bless you’ to an agnostic. This sort of racism is hollow and stupid. It’s just too exaggerated to possibly take seriously (kind of like Earth day). Surprisingly though, the faux-racist does it for…..attention. GOOD GOD I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT! Yes, there are some idiots who act racist to get attention from people. They just want to be seen as hateful and dark. Sorry my Klansmen friend, but that works about as well as saying you slit your wrists with a soup ladle to get attention. People with a bit of sense won’t take you seriously. Trying to call the fake-racist on this will only result in them hurling back a bunch of generic hate phrases (that is the badass thing to do after all). And get this; most other people might think the fake racist is just a stupid bigot. I guess the fake racist wins in the end.

Make no mistake though, racism can be funny. We all had a good chuckle (in some cases, a genuine knee-slapping) when Trent Lott decided to praise that relic of the Antebellum years, Strom Thurmond. Who among us hasn’t visited the Vanguard News Network website for a laugh? Probably not that many, but I have. Nevertheless, actually being racist….well, that isn’t exactly cool. Most of the time, it isn’t even that funny. It’s just sad. On the off chance that you might be some sort of real racist, I have this to tell you. I’m from a minority and my dad is a doctor. He makes 400,000 dollars a year. My all minority family has the financial providence to live pretty comfortably. Does that piss you off? I have a feeling it does.

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