After seeing the “don’t try this at home” disclaimer on MTV’s Jackass, it boggles the mind how Marvel comics got away without similar warnings on its literature. The little known epidemic of children dipping daddy-long-leg spiders in plutonium rarely lead to the coveted Spidey Sense. Although it remains a hot debate in some circles, fatal tumors and growths rarely provide the super powers necessary to become an effective super hero. Unlike in the X-Men universe, human beings have a roughly 50 % chance of being born with powers such as teleportation or laser vision. Those that do have these powers prefer not be show-offy with them for God knows what reason. Still others with crazy abilities like being able to walk on water and multiply food choose to use these powers to start cults and social clubs. SO does this mean you are doomed to lead a meaningless existence devoid of superhero greatness? HELL NO! This is America (at least if you happen to be reading this in America) and we don’t take kindly to that sort of negativity. History books say it differently, but the real debate at the second Constitutional Convention was over including the “life, liberty, and the pursuit of superpowers (which grant happiness because everyone knows superpowers are just that cool)” clause to the Declaration of Independence. With my unprecedented knowledge, a bit of that good old U.S. of A. fighting spirit, you can live out the true American Dreams and become a copyright violating superhero!!!

Before you read this, the only better show of patriotism than watching Fox News was to accuse darkies(it doesn’t matter which ones, they are all in it for evil) of being terrorists. But now you can become America’s premier beacon of citizenship. Although this might require some expensive machinery, travel back in time to the maternity ward where you were born. Should you lack the money for a time traveling resources, make your own. Once in the maternity ward, set up a CD player and play Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” non-stop. For six days. This will increase the odds that your first words will be “U.S.A.” or “the Boss.” If that isn’t a patriotic beginning, then just get out you hippy communist. Should you be one of the poor souls who weren’t born in a maternity ward...HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Your family is poor and, according to social Darwinism, weak. You don’t have what it takes so get the hell out of here on the first flight to France you can find, Pierre.

After the whole time travel bit, you might think you’re almost done with your quest to become Captain America. WRONG! Rome wasn’t built in a day, mainly because they were too caught up in pedophilia and the like to work all day. Sure you might have had your first words be U.S.A., but where are your blatantly American symbols? You will need at least 50 flags for your each room of your house and a statue of liberty scale model for your solarium. Living in an environment that screams “U.S.A.” will solidify your credibility as the superhero embodiment of America. Make sure your car or horse is decorated with as many American flag bumper stickers as possible. How else are people going to know what country they are in? Actually painting your car with starts and stripes is even more commendable. Not only would you have a paint job that says “I love freedom and I love America,” but it also serves to intimidate possible airborne terrorists. If I hated freedom as much as those Iraqi Al Queda soldiers (and don’t you dare doubt that Iraq isn’t aligned with Al Queda. There is just too much proof. They are both from the desert.), I would be scared shitless if I saw a giant American flag on a car. A little known fact is that flags and terrorists have a relationship similar to garlic or crosses with vampires. Fortify your car with style!

By now you might be wondering just what type of weapon to use. Captain America originally used a shield which he could that would hurl at his foes. If you recall, the discs ability to return to him like a magic boomerang clearly defies the laws of physics. Well you’re an American and you aren’t going to let those Damn laws hold you back, are you? Now its time to invoke some of the mythical American magic. American magic is based directly on how “American” you are? Confused? Jesus fucking Christ, it isn’t that complicated. In order to increases your “American-ness” you need to ingest a special diet. Certain vitamins known to increase patriotic power are found exclusively in broiled bald eagle, the skin of Ronald Reagan, bits of rock debris from the Lincoln memorial, and of course, the semen of Bill O’Reily. Should you not be able to obtain the raw substances, grocery stores sell an excellent substitute called “Pink Lemonade Crystal Light.” Drink, gulp, and swallow enough, and soon you just might find yourself giving Bill O’Reily a hummer and then getting busted for killing an endangered species. But on the plus side, your extra American-ness will fend off any would be suitors in prison. Because c’mon, who would rape an American icon?

Now you are free to strut around your neighborhood with a confident swagger that says “hey, I’m Captain America and I don’t care.” Should your swagger suggest something along the lines of “hey I’m Captain America and I’m a big fag,” then try repeating any of the previous steps again. If after that you still seem like a big fag, then go to a Godsmack concert (you should fit in there just fine). Once your swagger is in an acceptable state, go forth and fight for justice. Since opportunities to test your heroism may rarely occur, I have provided a list of American actives for you.

1. Make a statue of J.F.K. out of the bones of the rock band Rush. If Rush isn’t dead yet, kill them. And kill Geddy Lee first. That guy is a big fag.

2. Force the rest of the world to use the retarded English measurement system. All who refuse to comply should be told “It’s time to convert from metric...to dead!” A star spangled ruler with no metric measurements will make an excellent implement of death.

3. Find Afroman and find out if he really did get all those things because he got high.

4. Attack an infant on the grounds of preemptive war-fare. If necessary, cite evidence of evil behavior in the infant. In the absence of any evil behavior, claim that you were given faulty intelligence from Canada (those no good bastards). If all else fails, simply shrug your soldiers and comically announce “Oops! My bad.” Expect winking, nudging, and plenty of “that’s our Captain America, always a joker.”

5. Conquer the European nation of Georgia for copying off of the state.

6. Similarly, force South and Latin America to drop the America from their moniker. Why? They just don’t represent like you do.

7. Talk about Ronald Reagan.

8. Buy a dolphin and teach it tricks.

9. Go to a veteran’s cemetery and yell out “Quitters!”

10. Smile and pose provocatively behind an American flag.

11. Give the current staff of the white house high fives.